Is Conflict Always A Negative Sign?
We talk about conflict in our work, and most people find the whole idea universally negative—a no-no. Something is wrong.
Consider this: conflict is necessary if relationships are to grow. How we choose to handle conflict makes the difference in the outcome, either positive or negative.
People change their lives when they change their response to conflict. It’s not an easy change, though. We are conditioned to avoid conflict at all costs.
If You Can’t Say Anything Nice
Our dislike of conflict often starts at a young age when we are told that if we “can’t find anything nice to say, then say nothing at all.”
“If you disagree with how things are done, bear it. Keep a stiff upper lip. Don’t go spreading your opinion about.” We heard that our opinion was not for public consumption. Things stay the same.
But change is necessary.
It is needed for us to grow and evolve.
The Check Engine Light
Conflict can be imagined as a flashing warning light. It calls our attention to the need for change to occur.
I equate it to the ‘check engine” light on a Volkswagen hatchback that I once owned. The first time I saw the flash, knowing what it meant, I immediately pulled into a gas station and began to review the owner’s manual. The handbook told me that a steady ‘check-engine” light was a warning light, an advance notice of trouble brewing. The handbook told me that I should make an appointment to have the engine looked at in the not-too-distant future. It wasn’t dire yet, but I needed to take action before it became dire.
I was lucky that day. I was driving home with my two sons Matt and Alex, in a remote part of the province. Good thing for the warning. Great, that is was not critical yet!
I guess you can remember moments in your life, events that happened, that served as a “check engine” light for you.
Perhaps in a workplace relationship (or elsewhere for that matter), and you ignored it? Maybe you disregarded the warning thinking whatever you noticed was undeserved or unwarranted and consequently unimportant.
If I Am Right, Which I Am, Then You Must Be Wrong.
We convince ourselves that we are right, which immediately means that the other person is wrong. So there is no point in working it out. They need to change.
We are blind to any other explanation for the situation other than our own.
Let’s talk about Tina and Tom. (A true story. The names have been changed)
Tina interpreted a slight change in Tom’s approach to work as an indication that he thought he could handle more work than she could. She was convinced he thought he was more efficient and better at the job than her.
It was little things that Tom did which were interpreted this way by Tina. Although they worked alongside each other for a while, Tina could not (or did not want to) have a conversation with Tom. She was convinced she was right in her assertion about the message that he was sending her.
This is how easily we can fall into the “I’m right, and he’s wrong” hole.
Interestingly enough, while Tina did not want to talk to Tom about it – she did want to share her thoughts with everyone else who worked there!
Everyone except Tom, the very person she was now at odds with and whom she sat right next to.
Red Light Indicators In Relationships
Watch for these “check engine” signs:
- Daily communication becomes strained or difficult
- Negative body language occurs – arms crossed, frowning, turning away, avoiding eye contact.
- Sudden and abrupt changes in demeanor or communication styles
- Sarcasm or negative side comments employed in verbal exchanges
- Complaints and disagreements between the two people increase
- A feeling of resentment is present
Luckily, both Tina and Tom trusted me. I remember the day very clearly when they approached me separately to talk (vent? complain?) about the other, both without ever speaking a word to the other person.
Conflict Resolution Tips
I facilitated a private conversation with all three of us in a room, and we practiced conflict resolution.
In that room, we practiced how to resolve conflict in a relationship:
- Taking ownership of our actions
- Practicing self-awareness
- Demonstrating active, empathetic listening
- Checking our assumptions
- Apologizing sincerely if needed
- Conveying thoughts and opinions clearly and sensitively
Tina and Tom resolved their difference that day, and both commented how strongly they wished they had taken action sooner.
Just like that “check-engine” light. If you deal with conflict as a change in motion, you will likely save yourself a big expensive price to pay down the road.
