The Ancient Art of Listening – Do You Really Hear What Others Are Saying?

Listening is More Than Waiting for Your Chance to Talk

I just got off a zoom call with one of my coaching clients. Whew! It was terrific.  He shared stories about how his work relationships have greatly improved once he learned to listen to others. It seems like a simple concept, right? But is it?

Let’s face it, effective listening is a skill  few of us are born with. Some of us might be naturally prone to listen, but active listening to others, whether they be work colleagues or family members, could make a better world all around.

When you know how to L i s t e n, you increase your I n f l u e n c e exponentially.

People will trust you. You will be appreciated in your circles. And you will enjoy the benefits of being more open-minded.

Listening Takes Practice

Do you play an instrument? If you do, or you compete athletically, you know where I am going. No matter how naturally gifted you are, to get better at your task takes practice.  It takes effort.

With “hearing” being one of our senses that most people enjoy, one would think that it would take less effort to listen. But note the significant difference between the two words. I can hear thunder rolling in. It means a possible rainstorm is approaching. But when I hear you say you feel anxious, listening is required. There is context to what you say that I won’t hear unless I listen.

Stay in the Moment

Do you find yourself so preoccupied with what you want to say in a conversation you barely register half of what is being said to you in a conversation? You may be nodding your head in agreement. Perhaps you used words like “right” or “sure,” indicating that you agree with what is being said. When in truth, you were holding your breath, waiting to say what REALLY needs to be said.

We have all been a little guilty of this—some of us chronically! Remember watching that PowerPoint presentation, and by the tenth slide, you had a question you thought was important? I’ll bet you don’t remember much information from the rest of the presentation.

There is a time and a place for everything. It’s safe to say that you will be better served, as will your colleagues, if you are focused on the information presented to you or what is termed “actively listening” to all that is being said.  Remember that someone took the time to put that PowerPoint together, and the information is included because it matters. If it does not, then effective listening will allow you to speak with confidence on that point too. 

The Sound of Silence is Ok

Although our culture has led us to believe that there is something uncomfortable or wrong with silence, silence can be golden. Embrace it. Allow space between opinions for wisdom to arise.

Treat silence as an opportunity for all the parties in the room to gather their thoughts.  Let others reflect on what you said.  That silence in the room is destined to lead to more thoughtful and intelligent responses (by you and your colleagues). Our meetings are often crowded with needless “fluff” of opinion, false assumptions, and egoist grandstanding.

You Know What “They Say” About Assuming

If you are assuming, you are likely not listening. You are jumping to conclusions, or being judgmental, or worse, being disrespectful.  

Unfortunately, we all make assumptions when we listen. When we are busy assuming, we tend only to capture the information that aligns with and corroborates those assumptions. We are listening poorly, and very likely, missing a lot of what is being said. 

Avoid the tendency to assume anything by striving to be completely objective with your views. Listen as though you have no idea either way of where the conversation is going. Be attentive as if it is the first time you have heard this information. Listen as though what the person is saying is important for you to hear. 

To do that, you must resist the tendency we all have to fill certain gaps with what we already assumed we know, rather than what the person in front of us, or on the phone, or in the email – is actually communicating.   

Ask Questions

Please, ask questions! This will not only show that you have been listening, but it will also ensure that you are actively listening. 

Thoughtful questions help validate what has been communicated, and it shows that you are an intelligent and active listener. You will also be ensuring that the speaker feels comfortable and that he or she has been heard.  

That said, don’t ask questions for the sake of asking them. That will likely come across as inane and obvious. Weak questions will show that you have not been listening well at all, which is the opposite of what you are trying to project.  

Think of an intelligent question as one that carries the conversation forward and brings it to the next level.

This, as opposed to questions that can be answered with one word or two words. How often do two-word answers contribute to a discussion in significant ways? 

Look For Non-Verbal Cues

This one is important, and unfortunately, it is one many of us have difficulty with it. 

Discussions will often have layers of meaning and nuance, and we need to understand what those are.  

These nuances are often in the form of non-verbal cues and will include the facial expressions of the person speaking, or other people in the room, or screenshot.  

The tone of the speaker gives us clues. Do they sound optimistic, apprehensive, unsure, or enthusiastic?  

Potentially tense situations can be diffused by the active listener who is fully aware of the verbal and non-verbal cues in a discussion.  

You don’t need to become an expert in human behavior to be good at interpreting non-verbal cues.  Being consciously present and following the trajectory of a discussion with your attention will inform you adequately in most situations. (Not so easy to do when you are making out a weekend to-do list in your head!) 

Show Empathy

I have written on the importance of empathy in past blogs because I believe it is fundamental to nurturing and maintaining solid relationships with our co-workers.  

Empathy is a big part of active listening.  

You can read one of my past blogs on empathy here.  

Wait Your Turn!

This one is simple: don’t interrupt.  

If you are interrupting, you are not listening.