Managing Our Expectations Of How Other People Should Behave

Managing Our Expectations of the Behavior of Others

Managing other people can be a challenge. Managing our own expectations can be more difficult, and our reactions can blindside us.

Have you ever had one of those days when the person you thought you knew well does or says something that totally surprises or even shocks you? You might think to yourself, “Where on earth did that come from?” 

It probably happens a lot.

I Didn’t See That Coming

We get surprised by the things that other people say and do and by the things that they don’t say and don’t do. 

Perhaps you sent your boss an email, and you thought that you would receive an immediate response (or a response of any kind).  No wonder you felt ignored when the only response was – silence.

Maybe you worked on a successful collaborative project with a colleague only to discover they took all the credit for the success in the meeting with the managers.

Have you trained someone and or mentored them to where you feel they can successfully go on their own?  It can be demoralizing to find out that instead, they proceeded at odds with your direction.

“How could they have done that?” “What were they thinking?” “How could they have been so inconsiderate?”

You Set Yourself Up For Frustration

The biggest part of this problem is not the other person, but us. 

We need to adjust our unrealistic expectations.  It is not that these people behave appropriately or badly. It is that we expect them to behave differently than they actually do.  We do this even though they have shown and proven to us who they are time and again. 

Should we still be surprised when that email to our boss goes unanswered? 

Or that we are not invited to that meeting again?  

Managing Expectations – What’s On Your Shopping List?

 I once heard a sound piece of advice. 

“Don’t go to the local hardware store and get upset that they don’t sell milk.” 

You can experience great ease and less annoyance by practicing one simple behavior: acceptance. Your view of the situation and the people involved changes completely.

The new global identity is good for us. We are forced, or given the opportunity (depending on your personal view), to interact, work with and depend on people with diverse thinking and perspectives from our own.  

And by the way, that is a very, very good thing. 

“I Did it My Way” Can Limit You

Early in my speaking career, I attended a monthly meeting of the Canadian Association of Professional Speakers here in Vancouver.  The speaker that month addressed this very topic: managing expectations.  He shared a story of a businessperson who worked in many new countries through their speaking opportunities. 

I remember the book he recommended: Kiss, Bow, or Shake Hands by Terri Morrison and Wayne Conaway. I bought it, and in fact, it’s open and in front of me as I type this article. 

For each of the countries listed, from Argentina to Vietnam, the authors have included a Cultural Orientation section, providing a model to assist the reader in understanding and predicting the results of personal encounters in each specific country. 

Of course, some things are obvious. Drive on the right side of the road for the country you are in. Learn to say “please,” “thank you,” and “where is the restroom” in their native language.

And yet, can’t you see the guy standing by the side of the road with his demolished vehicle yelling at everyone else for driving on the “wrong” side of the road? Intolerant of other ways and means, we can find ourselves paying a high price for our stubborn expectations.

You Are One of the Billions

We are not all the same – nor do we want to be – but understanding, appreciating, and accepting those differences is the key. People who are different from us do things we don’t expect them to do. 

• Sometimes, they don’t look at us when we speak to them. 
• Sometimes they constantly interrupt and talk back. 
• Sometimes they don’t talk at all. 

They flout our expectations of what we feel is normal behavior, and we feel frustrated as a result. 

Forgot the Golden Rule

Do you remember the golden rule? Treat other people the way you would like to be treated? 

Well, forget it. 

It does not apply anymore. I am not sure it ever did.

Try the platinum rule instead: treat other people the way they would like to be treated. 

This means, of course, that you need to get to know them and be curious about them. Once you begin to treat people how they want to be treated, your experiences with them will be incredibly more rewarding. 

Each one of us has different parents, teachers,  role models, personal experiences, different hopes, and different dreams.  A variety of factors influences our lives; our own successes and failures and those who influence our lives. We may speak the same words in the same language and say something quite different from one another. 

So What’s Your Point?

Instead of getting frustrated with other people, learn how they would like to be treated.  Find out how they operate, or, metaphorically speaking, which side of the road they drive on.